Father's Day Fuss

Father's Day. A day to honor the man who brought you into this world.....and, the same man that always said "I can take you out of this world too!" when you disobeyed. This year for Father's Day, I was the one that could have very well taken my father out of this world.

Yup, it's another wild story, so sit back, relax and read....

Father's Day rolled around and I never could quite find the right gift to give to my Dad. So, when we all started to gather, I felt terrible for coming empty-handed. Plus, that day was the day I had to say my goodbyes to my family before I left town for 7 weeks. Another double whammy, if you ask me.

I arrived to the party (mind you, it was just my father, my sister, her newborn, and me at this point) a little bit early. We were talking and sitting around enjoying the lazy Sunday afternoon (Don't you just love it when the evening service at church is cancelled for a holiday??! I sure do!). My father, laid down on the floor in the living room to stretch out and catch a cat nap before he had to grill the burgers. Aren't we great kids? We make our father cook the food on his own holiday! Wait, it gets better.....

So, as we're sitting there, I randomly pick up a ballpoint pen on the end table next to the recliner. I get this urge to just toss it at my Dad to wake him from his slumber. I didn't chunk the pen across the room, I just tossed it towards him. As he's facing away from me, I see the pen land in his general direction. All of a sudden, he jerks awake and says "I think I'm bleeding! What was that??!!!" From there, my heart sank. The next thing I know, he's holding his hand over his eye and running towards the bathroom. He shuts the door so me and my sister couldn't disturb him as he assessed the damage. My sister gave me the "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!!!!" stare and guilt trip for the next few seconds as we waited patiently.

When he returned to the kitchen, he was still holding his hand over his eye and making a weird moaning noise. He sounded like it was really painful, folks. My heart, of course, skipped a beat or two. He went over to the kitchen sink to grab a glass of water and then immediately wanted to sit on the kitchen floor next to an air conditioning vent. My sister and I looked on in wonderment what was wrong. We asked to see his eye and he refused, saying it was bleeding. From there, I apologized, he forgave and said to just let him sit for a little while. He removed his hand and there is was.....in ALL its glory....a blooding eye. There wasn't a single piece of white on his eye anymore. It was all RED! I gasped and wanted to cry. I had injured my father on FATHER'S DAY for Pete's Sake!!!! And, I didn't bring a gift!

After our reactions, I guess our reactions made my father worry. At one point he was talking and telling us it was okay, the next- he's passing out into my arms. My sister grabs the phone and calls our neighbor in hysterics. As she's crying and pleading with someone to come help, I'm praying and holding Dad off the floor. I keep talking to him, trying to muster some type of reaction from him. I position myself to where I can look him in the eyes and even though I don't want to see the damage to his left eye, I have to make sure he's okay. I keep shaking him and calling out, hoping to hear him speak. I remember putting my hand over his chest to feel his heart and to feel the air in his lungs....I almost lost it, thinking about if he would stop breathing or have a heart attack. It was scary. Melissa was still freaking out in the living room as I yell at Dad to wake up. She's a wimp, she wouldn't have been able to support an almost 200 lb. man who was dead weight. So, I did it....plus, it was my fault. (And, I didn't bring him a Father's Day gift.)

After a few minutes of pleading and praying, I hear him make a noise like he was going to vomit. As I'm leaning on him to keep him up, I reach for the trash can so he can use it if he needs it. Mind you, he's still not really conscious, so I'm not sure why I thought he could aim if he wanted to throw-up in the first place. I was in the moment, folks. I wasn't thinking straight! So, as I pull the trash can towards him, it spills, dumping coffee grounds all over the floor and him. Because of my predicament, I couldn't deal with the mess and just kept holding on to Dad.

After several LONG minutes, he came to, asking us what had happened. We told him what had happened and that we were taking him to the hospital immediately. He wanted a few minutes to collect himself and to figure out what had happened. He sat there, on the kitchen floor, just waiting until he felt better. Then, he looked down and then looked at me and goes "Where did the coffee grounds come from?" and I just busted up laughing. It was such a long story to tell.

Long story short, my father was okay. I tossed a pen at him, it got him right in the eye, and he blacked out from shock. The doctor's told him he would be fine after a specialist looked at the damage. After he emerged from the ER- with a pirate patch and all- he sat down next to me and goes "Are you okay?" and I just felt like crying. In all this, he was concerned about me the most.

It's funny how things like this bring people closer together. We have this special bond now....and it's sad that it took a pen to the eye to get it. For his birthday I bought a package of pens and wrote, "You better keep an eye out....I'm dangerous!" on the front. He thought it was the greatest gift he'd ever received.

So, the moral to this story? Ummm, hello??!!!! Don't spill coffee grounds on the unconscious.

When Cook-Outs Go Bad!

I had a cookout. It was planned to be a nice, lovely, relaxing, outdoor cookout on a beautiful Saturday evening. It started great....

The guests started to arrive as we finished prepping the burgers and sides. We conned our friend into grilling the hamburgers because we didn't want to risk burning or ruining them. So, once we stepped outside to light up the grill, we realized it was way to windy to grill on the deck. The boys decided it was best to move the grill to a less-windy location- by a large dumpster. Yum.

They decided to light up the grill and let it heat up a bit while they played a little game of catch with a football. Of course, us girls went inside while they played around like toddlers. When we decided to emerge from the house and join the boys outside, here is what we saw:

John darting to his truck and flinging the passenger door open and Lucas hobbling around the truck to get in the passenger's side. Then Josh comes around the corner with the football and a pair of white flip-flops in his hands. He proceeds to tell us "They're going to the hospital."

At that sentence, I look across the yard to see why Lucas is jumping around instead of walking normally....and there it was in all its glory, his left big toe hanging off of his foot!

My first reaction was to grab a towel and make sure he was okay. The boys' first reaction was to just jump in the truck and speed off. (If that doesn't prove that men and women are vastly different, I don't know what will.)

After they were down the highway, Josh decided to fill us in on what happened. He said that he was throwing a pass to John and Lucas and somehow, Lucas' toe got jammed or trapped under or near John's foot. Keep in mind that John is wearing tennis shoes and Lucas is wearing nothing since he kicked off his flip-flops. After the incident, Lucas calmly states "Johnny, I think I broke my toe." I'm a little sketchy on the details but I think it was played off like Lucas was joking and to prove to John and Josh that he was serious, he stuck his toe up in the air to show them what had happened. From there, they bolted to the truck to make a quick trip to the ER.

So, there we were, watching the tail lights of John's truck as 2 of our 5 guests left. I told Josh he could go home but he wanted to stay, saying "They'll be back....it won't take that long." I'm so glad he had that confidence in their return.

More of our guests began to arrive and as they did, we told them the gruesome details. Some were grossed out, others were aggravated that they missed out on all the action. And, for those suckers that didn't come to my cookout, I rubbed it in their faces that they missed a free dinner AND a show.

After a few hours of waiting, the news comes in that Lucas' toe wasn't broken, but it was just a compound dislocation. It was the sickest dislocation I've ever seen. The doctor's popped it all back into place and stitched it all up. From there, he hobbled on home.

Take a peek at the pictures if you dare! It's pretty wicked looking. Lucas' dad snapped these photos in the ER.

Like with every blog, I have to add a moral to this story- Don't play outdoors without shoes on. Next time I recommend steel-toed boots. (That means you, Lucas).

ROAD TRIP!!

No, this isn't about that Disney movie "College Road Trip". It's about something I did last weekend that I thought I’d never do. No, it wasn’t being abducted by aliens…I booked a room at a resort, picked up a very good friend of mine and drove into the sunset…..of Branson, Missouri.

I love road trips. I love the feeling of having the entire road in front of me and to have all the options to choose from. There is some feeling of accomplishment I get when I take a trip to a place I’ve never ventured into without parental control. So, last weekend in Branson liberated me into the world of adult living.

What did we do in Branson, you ask? Here’s what we did:

First off, we explored our lovely room at the Falls Village Resort. The accommodations were great and the staff extremely friendly. We arrived at the resort a little after midnight and when we walked in, the desk clerk sarcastically asked us if we were out having cocktails. We laughed, knowing that the Coke Icee’s we got from The BK Lounge (That’s Burger King for all of you that haven’t been awakened by Dane Cook) was the closest thing to a cocktail we’d had all night.

We visited the Branson Landing and shopped our hearts out. We also discovered that the lamp posts at the Landing are magical. They not only supply brilliant light in the extreme darkness, but they play music. As we were walking past a lamp post, I heard a familiar tune (The Fray’s “How To Save A Life”) and stopped to find where the melodies were coming from. We found it all right….coming out of a speaker at the bottom of the street lamps. From that point on, we declared that Branson is a town of magic….magic lamp posts, that is.

We went to see “Made of Honor” at the IMAX theater. There were very few other patrons watching the film considering the newness of the flick. We enjoyed the “matinee” discount since we went to see it at 4:30 in the afternoon….on a Sunday. We even ate at a 50’s diner. We channeled our senior citizen side for those adventures.

We also had a blast finding our inner child. The resort had an array of activities for us to take part in. Our first stop was to the swing set. We were easily amused and had a fun time swinging. When I decided to jump out of the swing into the sand, I realized that I wasn’t as young as I used to be. I landed on my foot weird and the next day when I got home, my shin was hurting and my ankle swollen. 15 years ago I would have been able to walk away from that uninjured…..and, I would have been five 15 years ago too.

We enjoyed a game of putt-putt golf. By the 6th hole we were already bored and decided to make it a race. So, we ran thru the rest of the course, bumping into one another, kicking the opponent’s golf ball out of the way and cheating our way to the next hole. It was fun and was the fastest game of putt-putt I’ve ever been involved in. Then we found the basketball court and tried to shoot some hoops. I think we managed a few baskets then tired of the losing streak and gave up.

The next stop was to the Jacuzzi tub. That was fun. We poured in the body wash and the bubbles came in abundance. After being up to our eyes in bubbles (no lie) we decided to get out before we literally became prunes. From then on, we watched a lot of HGTV and Food Network. Ace of Cakes in an amazing show, by the way. All I have to say about the Food Network is that there is some kind of conspiracy going on. Bobby Flay is everywhere these days! On every show and every commercial there is a random image of Bobby Flay….he’s everywhere! We realized that this past weekend in Branson.

All in all, my get-away was wonderful. There were a few minor issues such as the hot water running out after the Jacuzzi tub was filled and our pesky neighbors above us….(I’m not going to elaborate…I’m sure you can guess what I’m talking about.)

Moral to the story- there’s not one. Wait, I got one: Bobby Flay is the devil and is on the Food Network to gain control of every show on earth. Just you wait and see…

Wade in the Water!

Raise your hand if you ever had a story to tell and weren't sure how to go about telling it? Raise it again if you've ever been too embarrassed to tattle about something stupid you've done? First off, if you're raising your hand, you're stupid. Secondly, if you've ever driven into a large ditch full of water, that constitutes as clinical stupidity.

You're probably wondering what happened, right? To be honest, so am I. Here's what went down on one cold and very wet Wednesday night in April.

The rain came down, the creeks overfloweth.

That's how it all started. Massive thunderstorms swept through the neighborhood, causing every ditch and low-land to fill with standing (and sometimes moving) water. It was like any other normal day of torrential downpour. It sucked.

My housemate and I were just following the road like we normally do. We were abiding every traffic law out there. Then there was this piece of debris in the road, which we went around to avoid hitting. The petulant piece of wood was sitting in a few inches of water that was covering the dark road. After we passed it, we kept on our merry way until we ended up in a lake of a ditch.

How did that happen, you ask? I'll tell you, my friend. The water camouflaged itself into a dark shiny road. It was beautiful...until we drove into it and found out it wasn't a road at all. There we were, driving into a large puddle of water that looked like the shiny blacktop. As my housemate realized that she just drove her car into a ditch, we started to panic. We tried to drive out but we ultimately lodged ourselves in deeper. So, we called the people we knew we could count on to get us out: A lawn-care specialist, a youth pastor, and a Capitol One call representative; the modern day heroes of our time.

They bustled out of the dry home to help us. And, do you want to know the first thing they did when they saw us in the water-logged ditch? That's right, they laughed. They stood there, laughing....at us...while we sat in the car...as it sat in a puddle the size of a small pond. As they arrived and surveyed the damage, we started to notice that the floorboards were getting soggy. That's not what you want to see when you're stuck, folks. I repeat, you do not want to see the floor mat's rising as the water does.

After a few minutes of them pushing on the car...with us watching from inside the deathtrap...we decided to bail out. Libby goes through the window, I open my door and step into the frigid waters. Seriously, this is freezing, muddy, and cloudy water. I kept thinking, "What's living in these waters?" As soon as I made my way around the car, one song...and only one song...was going through my mind.

WADE IN THE WATER! WADE IN THE WATER CHILDREN....WADE IN THE WATER! GOD'S GONNA TROUBLE THE WATERS!

And, He sure did.

Finally, we pushed and pushed on the car enough to dislodge it from the swamp-like graveyard. As soon as it was on dry ground, the car drained all the water that had made it's way inside. Of course, there wasn't any way to drive it home under those conditions, so we piled into someones truck for the journey home, leaving Libby's poor car on the side of the road, wet and all alone.

What's the moral of this story? Honestly, I can't tell you or even make up a good one. All I know is that water is deceptive and scary. It purposely made it's self look like a road so we'd drive into it. That's my point to this whole blog. Water isn't your friend....especially if it's flowing over a road or standing in a ditch.

I just thought I'd let you all know....Beware of the water. It's out to get you.

So many questions, so little time.

Do you know people who ask a lot of questions? I sure do. I have a friend that just plain wears me out because she asks so many questions. She's worse than the box that pops up and asks you if you want to save your work, and even worse than an interrogation officer trying to get the facts out of a criminal. Don't get me wrong, I love her...but, she asks way too many questions.

Questions like: Do you like the color pink? Do you like the singer Pink? Are you trying to lose weight? Do you get to wear jeans to work? Where are we at? Where are we going? Are you for real? Which purse looks like I'd carry it? What's that smell? Are the people that live in this town okay with that smell? Does this look cheap? Does this look expensive?

Even if she doesn't have a real question to ask, she turns a statement into a question with two little words: "you know." No joke, she can take a plain statement of fact or opinion and make it a question with those two words combined. An example:

I can't stand people who are rude to other people, you know?
Cue the nods of agreement to the poor soul conversing with her.

I need a large water, a large root beer, and a large Sprite, okay?
Silence.

I'm not rich but I like to buy things, you know?
Another nod and a muffled laugh. And finally,

Dear Lord, I love you, you know that?

People who constantly ask questions are either really curious or thrive on other people's opinions. I've learned this just be spending a weekend with my friend. Not only did I catch myself asking stupid and pointless questions after she left, but I was exhausted too. I've never had to answer that many questions in my life before.

So, what do I do about repeat offenders of over-questioning? First off, I stop asking so many questions myself. Secondly, I could stop answering. Or I could just answer her question with a question. Then, we'd never accomplish anything except asking redundant questions. Either way, we're using way to much energy and vocal ability talking to one another. I long for the days when we can just look at someone and speak without opening our mouths. Wait, I think that's called sign language. Shoot....

Well, that's all I've got for this post. I know it wasn't all that intriguing....but, what can you do, right? Ahh, crud! How many questions am I going to put in this one post? It's a downward spiral, I tell you. Once you're aware, you can't stop!

I'll leave you with the first BoredBot to ease your mind:

Click on image to enlarge.

Thanks for reading. Have a Happy Easter, you know?

The Happening(s)

No, this is not a blog about the new M. Night Shymaylan flick. I wish it was though....

This is a blog about my newest "happenings". So, listen up!

First off, I'm an adult now. Geeze, it's taken me long enough to get here. I moved out of my parent's house about 21 days after my 20th birthday. It wasn't emotional...it just happened fast. One night I was sleeping on my twin bed, the next night I was entertaining guests in my new living room and then resting my weary head on my oversized queen bed. It's insane. I'm loving it though.

One of the things that wasn't so fun on the day of the move was that my car got a boo-boo. Yes, the car that I haven't put a single dent or scratch on (except for when the garage door decided to close on it). My father was nagging me about putting air in my tires the night that I was moving junk from my old room to the new house. So, instead of going and doing it myself, I tried to con him into doing. Well, it worked and he took off out the door to go put some air in my tires. As I was sitting there eating I heard a loud BOOM from outside and I instantly knew what had happened. When I got up to the door I saw my car and my mother's car bumper to bumper. After he pulled the car back up and my mother went out there to survey the damage, I marched out of the house in a huff and drove my bruised and battered car to the gas station to get a better look at it. My bumper is made out of plastic so it was shattered and my tail light is cracked. Yup, my mom's bumper needs repairing as well. All thanks to my father........

Besides getting my car wrecked, the move went well. It's nice. It's so strange that my roommate and I get excited over the littlest things like: the linen closet, doing laundry, mopping the kitchen floor for the first time, buying Pledge, and grocery shopping. These are all the things that in about a month, we'll be groaning about doing. It's still exciting though.

Last night, as my roommate and I were coming home, we pulled into the driveway to find a opossum standing in our yard. We were intriqued and watched it until he or she took off. For some reason I sensed that it was going to find its way into the shed on the other side of our drive. Sure enough as soon as I said it, the opossum trotted right into a tiny crack in the door. There was a mutual squeal of terror between the both of us as we realized we had rodents living in our shed. Then, as I pushed on the gas to drive my car into the garage, there was another one of them, the same shape, size, and ickiness. The creature was scared and moving in all sorts of directions. We screamed. The poor thing hit the fence (where the dogs were barking). We screamed again. He or she turned to the open the garage. I hit the clicker and we both screamed a third time. The garage door came down and the little rodent ran right towards our car as we sat in the driveway. More screams from the both of us. Finally, it ran around the car, probably to the same place where the other one had found refuge. I quickly pulled the car into the garage and shut the door. So.....we have pets.

I have recieved a lot of comments about my previous post. I did mention a small time-killer that I partake in almost daily, BOREDBOTS. I have more awaiting approval and editing before I can post them.....but, I will post them. It may not be soon but it will happen one day. (That's just for you Greg.....)

OH! I recently read that the WGA heads are setting up meetings with the WGA members in LA and NYC for a final session before they make a deal with the studios. This is it folks, my free time may be slim in about three weeks.

And finally, I had to post a joke I heard from my friend Jeremy. I believe he said he made it up....so, here it is, for the public to enjoy as well:

A proctologist goes into the back after work one day. He has to sign a check so
he reaches into his back pocket for pen, but instead pulls out a rectal
thermometer. He sighs and then goes "Ah man! Some butt hole's got my pen!"

Welp, I know it's not an interesting update or that humorous, but it's all I could think of. So, there will be another post in a few more days. Hang in there folks.

Seesya.

BOREDOM!

Have you ever been bored at work? Ever been so bored that you made up game or came up with a new way of doing your tasks so it takes twice as long? Well, since I've had a pretty boring and lazy month at work, I've learned how to make a dull work environment fun.

Here are some ways to help you get through the day when it's moving slow and when you're just plain bored to death.

1. Stare at the computer- I do this several times within the day. It tricks my boss into thinking that I'm working on something that has stumped me. Even if he may ask what I'm having problems with, I've just killed a few more minutes before a long awaited break. Just make sure you have something work related on your desktop. FYI, YouTube is not a work related site.



2. Check your personal e-mail account- When the work e-mail is empty, checking your personal e-mail should be the next resort. Just make sure you do this as inconspicuously as possible. Getting caught is never fun.



3. Name inanimate objects- Yes, I've done this. If all else fails and you've tried to squelch your boredom with other things and it's just not working, name your pencil cup, your coworkers, or your keyboard. Wanna know my keyboards name? Reba. Reba McIntype.



4. Staple random papers together- It takes plenty of boring minutes of your day to search for papers, get the stapler, and staple the papers together. And, if you're lucky, you may get to put more staples in the stapler.



5. Shoot Hoops- Crumble up useless pieces of paper (the ones you stapled together to kill time) and try your hand at a game of hoops with your waste basket. Set a goal too, you have all day to beat it.



6. Paperclip Jewelry- It's fun to design, make, and even wear. Plus, it'll kill about 20 minutes if you take your time.



7. Sharpen Pencils- I don't use pencils at work, but for some reason they supply us with a cup of pencils and a sharpener. Hmm....Maybe they know how bored we get.....



8. White Out Art- I'm a master. I've perfected several techniques with my White Out. One day I made a great piece of art in the likeness of the Abominable Snowman.



9. Online Gaming/Instant Messages- MSN offers great Buddy Games you can play with your IM partner. UNO is my top pick. In my opinion, Wheel Of Fortune is a rip off. No matter what, the opponent always wins. Also, beware of network monitoring from your superiors.



10. 10. Doodles- I've become skilled in the art of doodling. So much so, I've ventured into the world of comics. On a boring day, I can create two-three small comics....all of which one of my coworkers enjoys to read. They are called BoredBots and it tells of the adventures of a few robots who are just trying to get along with the rest of their robot race. Here are a few samples (I took about four minutes of my eight hour day to scan these into the computer and e-mail them to my personal e-mail account):

After you've used up all these techniques to kill time, your last resort is probably sleep. Use these steps wisely and with caution. Doing them too many times in one day may cause your boss to get suspicious. Use sparingly.

SideNote: I, nor any of my coworkers have resorted to any of these tactics. We enjoy our work and always have a fun project to partake in. *cough cough*

The Great '08...or so we think.

2008 is going to be a year of change. I can feel it in my bones, people. Don't ask me how I know this, I just do.

First off, we've got an election coming up - the passing of the baton - so to speak. I already know that the race to the bloody end will be a battle of epic proportions and will be the latest news every night on CNN, CBS, NBC and FOX until then.

We also have an entertainment crisis on our hands here. The WGA still hasn't got their settlement and started working yet. My hopes for this year? That it gets resolved before February so we can get atleast a few good episodes before the television season ends.

On lighter and more uplifting entertainment news, new movies for the year 2008! I'm really excited to see what this year brings to the table. Last year, we had some good ones, some okay performances, and some major flops. I know I've seen one movie this year that will probably be the talk of the town for the rest of the year, Cloverfield. Penned by the great JJ Abrams, it's sure to be a hit. Another movie I'm ready to see is Leatherheads. It's directed, written, and even starring King George Clooney, with the talented John Krasinksi (The Office) taking a lead role as well. Other movies that might catch my eye: Step Up 2, Jumper, The Dark Knight, and Untraceable. We started 2008 out with a bang, let's hope the rest of the contenders are up to the challenge.

New changes for me in 2008? Yeah, I got some....just a few though. I turned the big 2-0 this year and started my first semester of college. And, as of February first, I'm moving and entering the real world, the adult world, the "live paycheck to paycheck" world. And, I'm pumped.

My family is growing this year too. In June, I'll be four times an aunt with a little neice or nephew. I'm excited. I just worry about the complex this innocent human will have when they realize what family they entered in to. Poor kid.

Other predictions for the year 2008-

Britney Spears will rapidly gain weight and become unrecognizable. She will be absent from the tabloids and from the court systems for a long period of time. She'll then act under her new persona and begin a relationship with K.Fed, who will know her as a lounge singer named Denise. Once she cons him into marrying her and getting custody over the children again, she'll join Jenny Craig, lose the pounds, and once her former self is revealed, snatch the kids away. Then, she'll flash something and go to prison. It's a viscous cycle.

G-Dub Bush will pack up his belongings "really slow" after his retirement as President (in the late 2008, early 2009 year). Reports of missing bars of soap and towels will cause a scandel in the later part of the year. On an unrelated note, he'll leave his banjo and aroma therapy candles in the Oval office because of "feng shui."

YouTube will rule the universe. People will start to write and direct their own shows, such as Manny the Manic Mortician-Starring Chris Crocker and the Numa Guy, and the ever intriquing, Melting Ice Cream in Reverse-The Sequel- this time with Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey! And, by late Decemeber, our every move will be documented for the entertainment of others. Wait, hasn't this already happened?

I'm completely joking about all of these predictions. But, if they happen to come to pass, then you'll know who credit is due to.

With all that said, I wish everyone a wonderful year. Be prepared though, just in case it isn't.